I don’t think anyone would’ve guessed that we’d still be together almost a decade later. Our relationship has grown from the infatuation stage of our (MANY) days of skipping high school, through the struggles of being a college student, and finally the beginning stages of our careers. We’ve supported each other through it all, and while we’re still developing as individuals, our relationship has been consistently developing as well. Like every other couple, we’ve had our rough patches. We’ve had serious considerations of breaking up. We’ve argued. We’ve cried. We’ve said things we’ve regretted… But 9 years later, we’ve never been stronger and are still madly in love.

Recently I’ve been asked what our secret is. Besides the fundamental givens- trust, honesty, and respect- there’s only one thing that I can think of that has helped us get to where we are now. And if I could give anyone only 1 piece of advice, this would be it…

You may be surprised that it’s not your typical Vogue relationship secret of having sex everyday, scheduling date night every week or planning regular getaways. In fact, I truly believe that a good relationship shouldn’t require much effort to be happy together. The relationship should be strong enough to withstand the day-to-day and even the toughest days, not just when times are good and you can splurge on an escape.

So what’s my relationship advice? Well, it doesn’t have anything to do with the relationship at all.

Just focus on yourself. Be exactly the person you pride yourself to be and work on becoming exactly the person you’ve always wanted to become. Stick to your goals, your values and your morals. Seek out opportunities that you enjoy. Keep your friends. Keep your hobbies. Keep your “you time.” If anything, put MORE effort into yourself than the maintenance on your relationship.

Why?!?! Because if you and your SO continue to be true to yourselves and relationship continues to grow and remain enjoyable, then you know you’re doing something right. Ideally, the both of you can be yourselves and be completely head over heels for each others at the same time. It’s always hard initially when two completely different people need to be cohesive enough to make one relationship work, but if the person is right, you’ll both equally put in the effort and time to figure things out. At the same time, it shouldn’t be excessively difficult. If the work and stress of keeping a relationship > than the happiness that the relationship brings, then move on and find one that’s better. 

Corey has pretty much become a part of every aspect of my life and vis versa, but despite how much “we’re everything to each other,” we’re really not. I know I’m not his everything, and I don’t want to be. His existence is not to be my significant other. He’s a loving family man, a role model to many, a passionate software developer, a wannabe musician, “one of the guys,” etc. So I know there are times where I come second to his career or his family or whatever it may be. Those times can be tough to swallow, but I love him for who he is and this includes all of the above. I support his aspirations, respect his opinions, and love the values that he holds.

I’ve only seen the same love and support in return. A few years ago, I was more of a nursing student than a girlfriend. When I did have free time, I focused on being a daughter, an aunt, a nursing assistant or climbing gym employee, etc. Despite being pushed aside, he understood that my other roles in life are a major part of how I identify and pride myself. So the way I see it, you either support me or you don’t. And if you don’t, then ‘Bye Felicia’! Luckily, we’ve worked out well enough so that neither of us have had to choose being a boyfriend/girlfriend over other roles we take on.

As a result, we’re in love with each other to the core of our beings. We’ve adapted/compromised to share the same values and learned to appreciate the differences we may have. Although the times where I come second to his work (or anything else) are rough, it makes me happy to see him focus on his passions. I know he feels the same when I come home exhausted from my long days of work. With that understanding, we’re able to complement each other and help each other through areas of weaknesses always ready with open arms and open ears.

Throughout every stage in our relationship, we’ve each had countless other obligations. Literally since day one, we viewed each other as a great friend and regardless of how busy our lives became, we always made time. This was always mutual. And as the relationship progressed, we had an understanding that if one of us had feelings for someone else, we would be open about it immediately and there would be no hard feelings. So here we are 9 years later, he’s still my best friend. I’m still head over heels. There are no secrets and we’re still together by choice. And that’s the key. I am exactly who I want to be, and he’s still choosing me by choice. Not because of our long history. Not because we prevent each other from spending time with the opposite sex. And definitely not because I’m some fancy pants who can doll myself up and go to cool places, but because I’m a girl who can’t put makeup on even if my life depended on it, who loves butter, and can’t keep any surprises.

So what if a relationship isn’t working out? Change your perspective and hold your SO to the same standards as your bestie. There’s no one out there that’s worth you changing yourself for. If it doesn’t work out, then the other person either isn’t truly love with who you are as a person or the relationship is lacking in trust, honesty, or respect. The way I see it, those relationships wouldn’t stand the test of time and everything it entails anyways. Rip that band aid off now and save yourself the time and misery. You wouldn’t put up with a best friend who is disinterested or causing unnecessary drama, and you definitely shouldn’t be giving up yourself to make that relationship work. Instead of dwelling on a break up, remember that it was a bad match-up and that you deserve someone who will love you for everything that you are. The person who chooses to be with you because they love you for just being you.